Tag: movies

Back to the Movies

For the first time in almost eighteen months, I went to see a movie in an actual movie theater. I was one of only about ten people brave enough for the outing in a theater built to hold about ninety. That just made the experience all the more fun, because there is nothing I love more than to watch a movie on a large screen in a theater that is almost completely empty. It’s private and public all at the same time. I can pretend that I’m doing something social, while simultaneously avoiding eye contact and conversation with others.

I used to go the movies all the time. It was one of my favorite activities and I took advantage of having free afternoons as often as possible. I even joined my local movie theater’s membership plan. I was a “diamond” member, which meant that I was watching more than 20 movies every year. Not a difficult level to achieve, given that I was going to the theater at least twice a month, every month.

Being a diamond member didn’t get me anything special. There weren’t any major discounts or special deals that went along with it. But it was kind of cool that when I opened the digital ap on my phone, there was a big glittery diamond under my name.

Regardless, that all changed last year. One week, I was sitting in a dark theater, watching the trailers for upcoming movies and trying to decide which ones I wanted to go see, the next week everything closed up and I was stuck on a steady diet of Netflix and HBO Max on my own couch for a year and a half.

It just wasn’t the same.

So, recently, when I saw the announcement that my favorite place was opening back up and showing first run movies again, I decided it was time to venture back out.

I was curious to see, after a year and a half of being closed, what sort of changes had occurred while the building was unoccupied. I was anticipating some renovations: new carpet, updated concessions stand, fancy lighting, or maybe a fresh coat of paint on the walls. Something. But nope. Everything was exactly as I remembered it. Exactly.

The carpet, walls, and lighting were unchanged. The walls remained decorated with the same red and yellow swoops of color that went out of style in the seventies. Even the bathrooms were identical. You would think the owners would make use of the down time to make a few repairs and clean some stuff up, but it appears they had more important things to do than maintain their facilities. I went into one of the bathrooms and found the same damaged tiles, non-working paper towel dispensers, and rude (though sometimes humorous) graffiti that had been in there two years ago.

I mean, come on. How many times do I need to stare at the same penis and hairy balls drawn on the wall before I finally get to view some new artwork? And I already knew that “Bill is a dick.” How about a few more recent updates on Bill’s character flaws?

That wasn’t all, either. The pre-movie ads were the same ads I had seen in March, 2020. The music piped in through the overhead speakers was the same. For all I know, the candy and popcorn being sold in the concessions stand was the exact same stuff I had seen on display all those months ago. It had just been packed away into some storage room in the back and dusted off later when it was time to re-open. When I tasted the popcorn I purchased during my outing, it seemed to strongly support this particular theory.

At least the movie was new.

Sort of. I mean, it was actually a sequel to a movie I had seen several years ago, and it used a lot of the same story lines, characters, and plot twists. But some of the dialog was new, so I guess that counts.

The only thing that was truly new about my trip to the movies, was the prices. Ticket costs and concessions prices were all slightly higher than I remembered them being last year. Not a lot higher, but enough to be noticed, and an extra buck or so on every item you purchase can add up quickly.

I wonder if this is eventually going to hurt their business. Especially since most movies currently being released in the theater are also being simultaneously released on various streaming services directly to home viewers. Why pay $16 for a ticket to see a movie that you can watch at home for free?

And I can make my own popcorn at home in the microwave for about 80 cents a bag that doesn’t taste like Styrofoam packaging peanuts out of a three-year-old box.

I’m not sure if I will be going out to see more movies in the near future, or if this was just a momentary nostalgic visit to see an old friend. I will have to wait and see how it goes. As much as I love seeing movies in a movie theater, I also love having money in my pocket. The two seem to be mutually exclusive at the moment.

For now, I may have to go back to downloading movies from the comfort of my own home for a while longer. It’s cheaper and more convenient, doesn’t require me to drive anywhere, and the graffiti in the bathroom gets changed more frequently.

I will miss that glittery diamond under my name, though.

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Movie Time

I love to go out to the movies. What I don’t like is having to go out to the movies with all the other people who love to go out to the movies. I understand that the theaters need to sell tickets in order to stay in business, but there is a part of me that believes every theater room should have one seat and one seat only. You buy your ticket, go in and watch the movie in complete privacy, then go home.

I have never liked crowds, so this is nothing new. I typically go to the movies on Tuesday during the first screening of the show I want to see. Statistically, Tuesdays are the days that the fewest people go to movies, so this is not coincidence. I also choose movies that have been showing for a few weeks already so most people who want to see it have already done so.

Despite these precautions, I am still besieged by other people who, for some reason, believe they have as much right to be in the theater as I do. I don’t know where they get these ridiculous ideas.

Most people in a theater are pretty considerate of others and I really don’t have a problem with them. This is about 95% of the theater-going audience. It’s the other 5 percent that always seem to manage to have a representative in the room when I am there that make me want to stand out front with a picket sign proclaiming, “Shut up or get out,” and “Ushers should be armed.”

Desperate times require desperate measures.

We all know the people I’m referring to. We have all dealt with them at one time or another. If you can’t think of a single time that you were bothered by someone in a movie theater, it’s probably because you’re one of them.

First on my list for banishment are the loud talkers, loud eaters, loud laughers, and just generally loud everything. These are the people that sit five rows away from you, but you can still hear their “whispered” conversation as if they were sitting in your lap. Usually they love to chat during the previews (which I dislike but am not going to make a big deal about), then decide the conversation they started needs to be finished even if it goes on for the first ten minutes of the movie. These are the same people who bring their own noisy food which they inevitably unwrap at the quietest parts of the movie. The worst of this bunch are the ones who have seen the move already and happily announce to the rest of the people in the theater things like, “Oh, there’s the guy that’s going to shoot the dog later.”

Next on my hit parade are the parents who bring little kids to mature-themed movies because $8 is cheaper than a babysitter. I don’t care if you think you need a couple hours away from the house or you really wanted to watch this particular movie, if you’re going to emotionally scar your offspring, do it at home like the rest of us. There are plenty of things you can stream on your TV to give Junior a pathological fear of chainsaws.

Leave the kid outside tied to a tree if you must, but don’t let the little brat into the theater. While I’m watching scantily-dressed teenagers get cut open with a meat hook, I don’t want to hear, “Daddy, what’s that man doing to the other man? Why is that girl running away from him?” Usually followed immediately by, “I have to go potty.”

Sick people should also be verboten from any theater. I saw a movie once where I had to listen to the guy behind me sniff, cough and sneeze through the entire show. The noise was bad enough, but the fact he brought his plague virus into a sealed and crowded room to share with the rest of humanity should be a crime in all fifty states. I can’t say with 100 percent certainty that this guy was the reason I came down with a nasty cold less than a week later, but I would still like to run into him in a dark alley someday so I can kick him in the nuts.

Okay, that might be a bit harsh. Maybe just one nut.

The left one.

There are so many more theater pests that I think should be fitted with shock collars at the front door, but no one has the time to read my entire list. A couple more quick ones are: People who check their phones during the movie so that it lights up the entire theater. People sitting next to you that you’ve never met before but have decided they want to chat or “tell you something funny.” People who snore.

Yes, I said snore.

I actually had a man sitting next to me who fell asleep while we were watching “Thor: Ragnarok.” I don’t know how the hell he managed it, but about midway through the flick, he was slumped to the side of his chair and making more noise than the movie soundtrack.

I mean, come on. If you’re that bored with a movie, just get up and walk away for crying out loud.

Although I have already for the most part given up on humanity, I am not going to give up on my movies. I will continue to go to the theater and watch whatever strikes my fancy. I will also be silently judging everyone else who chooses to be in the theater with me. I will be the old guy in the fifth row who keeps turning around to stare at people and mutter obscenities under his breath.

 If you see me, feel free to say hi. Then please gather up your things and exit the theater.

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