I love to go out to the movies. What I don’t like is having to go out to the movies with all the other people who love to go out to the movies. I understand that the theaters need to sell tickets in order to stay in business, but there is a part of me that believes every theater room should have one seat and one seat only. You buy your ticket, go in and watch the movie in complete privacy, then go home.
I have never liked crowds, so this is nothing new. I typically go to the movies on Tuesday during the first screening of the show I want to see. Statistically, Tuesdays are the days that the fewest people go to movies, so this is not coincidence. I also choose movies that have been showing for a few weeks already so most people who want to see it have already done so.
Despite these precautions, I am still besieged by other people who, for some reason, believe they have as much right to be in the theater as I do. I don’t know where they get these ridiculous ideas.
Most people in a theater are pretty considerate of others and I really don’t have a problem with them. This is about 95% of the theater-going audience. It’s the other 5 percent that always seem to manage to have a representative in the room when I am there that make me want to stand out front with a picket sign proclaiming, “Shut up or get out,” and “Ushers should be armed.”
Desperate times require desperate measures.
We all know the people I’m referring to. We have all dealt with them at one time or another. If you can’t think of a single time that you were bothered by someone in a movie theater, it’s probably because you’re one of them.
First on my list for banishment are the loud talkers, loud eaters, loud laughers, and just generally loud everything. These are the people that sit five rows away from you, but you can still hear their “whispered” conversation as if they were sitting in your lap. Usually they love to chat during the previews (which I dislike but am not going to make a big deal about), then decide the conversation they started needs to be finished even if it goes on for the first ten minutes of the movie. These are the same people who bring their own noisy food which they inevitably unwrap at the quietest parts of the movie. The worst of this bunch are the ones who have seen the move already and happily announce to the rest of the people in the theater things like, “Oh, there’s the guy that’s going to shoot the dog later.”
Next on my hit parade are the parents who bring little kids to mature-themed movies because $8 is cheaper than a babysitter. I don’t care if you think you need a couple hours away from the house or you really wanted to watch this particular movie, if you’re going to emotionally scar your offspring, do it at home like the rest of us. There are plenty of things you can stream on your TV to give Junior a pathological fear of chainsaws.
Leave the kid outside tied to a tree if you must, but don’t let the little brat into the theater. While I’m watching scantily-dressed teenagers get cut open with a meat hook, I don’t want to hear, “Daddy, what’s that man doing to the other man? Why is that girl running away from him?” Usually followed immediately by, “I have to go potty.”
Sick people should also be verboten from any theater. I saw a movie once where I had to listen to the guy behind me sniff, cough and sneeze through the entire show. The noise was bad enough, but the fact he brought his plague virus into a sealed and crowded room to share with the rest of humanity should be a crime in all fifty states. I can’t say with 100 percent certainty that this guy was the reason I came down with a nasty cold less than a week later, but I would still like to run into him in a dark alley someday so I can kick him in the nuts.
Okay, that might be a bit harsh. Maybe just one nut.
The left one.
There are so many more theater pests that I think should be fitted with shock collars at the front door, but no one has the time to read my entire list. A couple more quick ones are: People who check their phones during the movie so that it lights up the entire theater. People sitting next to you that you’ve never met before but have decided they want to chat or “tell you something funny.” People who snore.
Yes, I said snore.
I actually had a man sitting next to me who fell asleep while we were watching “Thor: Ragnarok.” I don’t know how the hell he managed it, but about midway through the flick, he was slumped to the side of his chair and making more noise than the movie soundtrack.
I mean, come on. If you’re that bored with a movie, just get up and walk away for crying out loud.
Although I have already for the most part given up on humanity, I am not going to give up on my movies. I will continue to go to the theater and watch whatever strikes my fancy. I will also be silently judging everyone else who chooses to be in the theater with me. I will be the old guy in the fifth row who keeps turning around to stare at people and mutter obscenities under his breath.
If you see me, feel free to say hi. Then please gather up your things and exit the theater.
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