Since I started writing this blog a little more than three years ago, I have tried to steer clear of politics, religion, or any other topics of a heated or controversial nature. I decided long ago that these pages should be reserved for mundane, everyday highs and lows of life that hopefully more people than just myself can relate to. I believe that, for the most part, I have succeeded in this endeavor.
This week, however, I am going to break my own rules. There is an important statement I must make. A personal belief that I must address. This statement may cost me friends and readers (which I can’t really afford to lose too many of either) but I feel it must still be made despite the controversy it might create.
If you choose to read any further, consider yourself warned that you may not like what I have to say. Ready? Here we go.
Coffee tastes terrible.
Not just some coffee, and not only sometimes. All coffee tastes like garbage. Hot garbage.
I don’t like the stuff. I never have and I never will. I don’t believe that anybody actually likes the taste. I think it more likely that people that drink coffee are simply trying to punish themselves for horrific acts they committed in a prior life.
Before you try to convince me otherwise with suggestions of frappes, macchiatos, mochas, or what-have-you, I don’t consider any of these to be actual coffee. If you are adding caramel, whipped cream and a chocolate drizzle, you aren’t drinking coffee any longer. You’re drinking a milkshake.
And you’re drinking a crappy milkshake because it tastes a little bit like coffee.
I know this is not a popular opinion. Most people are not comfortable saying this openly in public due to the immediate, vocal disagreement it will generally create. Still, no matter how vehement the denial, it is a fact that cannot be ignored.
The first time I drank coffee, I was about twelve years old. In addition to being bitter enough to kick my gag reflex into overdrive, the coffee was also too hot. I felt as if my mouth had been instantly converted into a dumpster fire. It was a taste that haunts me to this day.
Years later, I tried drinking the noxious beverage again. This time I added about a half of a cup of milk and six tablespoons of sugar. I discovered that I could swallow it and keep it down when diluted heavily with dairy and sweetener, but what was the actual point? I could probably drink motor oil with enough cream and sugar, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to buy a six-pack of Penzoil the next time I’m at the hardware store.
Yes, coffee will wake you up in the morning when you’re tired. But smashing your thumb with a hammer will bring you fully alert as well, and it will happen a lot faster than sipping a cup of coffee. I don’t think anyone is keeping hammers in their kitchen for a daily morning dose of flattened fingers. So, why do so many people have coffee in the cabinet?
I think, if people are honest with themselves, they will agree with my assessment that drinking coffee is the taste equivalent of licking melted rubber off of asphalt. The only reason anyone still drinks the stuff is because they have been doing it long enough that they have just gotten used to it. The same way martial artists get used to hitting stuff with their hands. The callouses finally build up to the point that it stops hurting quite as much.
As to why they start consuming java in the first place, I have heard three main reasons for why people start drinking coffee.
One: “I was in the military, and coffee was always available.”
Two: “I needed something to keep me awake at night while I was studying for exams.”
Three: “I grew up in (fill in the name of a ridiculously cold place) and coffee was a cheap way to keep warm.”
I’m willing to bet that if you drink coffee, you fall into at least one of those three categories.
Note that not one time in my life, not ever, have I asked somebody why they drink coffee and been told, “The first time I tried it I just loved the taste. Coffee is delicious!”
Not once. And if somebody did say that to me, I would immediately accuse them of being the deceitful liar that they clearly are.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t think less of people simply because they have chosen to drink coffee. My own children drink coffee, and although I do think they are terrible people, it isn’t because of the coffee. There are multiple other reasons for that.
To be fair, coffee isn’t toxic or likely to shorten your life. I have even read a few studies that suggest it might have a few health benefits. But so does kale, and I would rather chew on a burlap sack than put that stuff in my mouth.
So, to sum up my arguments: Coffee tastes terrible. It’s an awful drink, and it was most likely invented by the Devil.
It you disagree with me, it’s probably only because you’re drinking a cup of coffee right now while you’re reading this page.
In fact, I bet you are. You’re drinking coffee right now, aren’t you?
Yeah. You are.
.
.
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