As we enter the month of April, Deep Dark Thoughts reaches a new milestone. It has been eighteen months since I started writing down my personal observations, thoughts, and irrational musings and posting them in a public forum. For seventy-eight weeks I have complained, whined, and attacked my family on a weekly basis, all for the sole purpose of allowing people to come to this website and wonder, “What the hell is wrong with this guy?”
If Deep Dark Thoughts was a baby, this thing would be walking and banging its head into the furniture by now.
After a year and a half, I still find the weekly rant to be cathartic, as well as much cheaper than actual therapy. For those reading it, it may be simply a waste of five minutes of your life that you can never have back, but I hope not. On occasion, I even try to add little bits of helpful information, such as: if you put lettuce on top of a plate of nachos, it becomes a salad and is therefore healthy. (At least, that’s what I told myself at breakfast, today.)
You’re welcome.
I suppose it’s a good thing I get personal satisfaction out of the act of writing down the jumbled mass of misinformation that is my thoughts. There is no other real reason to keep going. Fame and notoriety have thus far escaped me, but that’s fine. I’m getting used to the idea that I am the most famous person no one has ever heard of. When I ask, “Have you read my blog this week?” I know the answer will be, “You have a blog? Since when?” That’s why I no longer ask my wife and kids that particular question.
On the bright side, if I ever stop writing, I never have to worry about explaining to people why I quit. I doubt the question would ever come up.
Because April first was last week, I briefly debated if I should do an April Fool’s prank and post an old blog from a last year. Or maybe even put up a blank page for the week. I decided not to do that because, frankly, I was concerned that no one would actually notice.
Or worse, somebody might see the blank page and think to themselves, “Yup. I figured this thing was going to fall apart sooner or later.”
So, no blank page. Just more of the same stream-of-consciousness drivel we’ve all come to expect and love. (Okay, maybe ‘love’ is too strong a word. ‘Tolerate’ maybe?)
Besides, there is still so much to write about. For example, last weekend I was going to mow the lawn. The task normally takes about an hour. My lovely wife wanted to help out and said she could take care of the lawn and I could use the time to work on some other, more enjoyable, task. She jumped on the riding mower and proceeded to run over and destroy a sprinkler head.
Digging up and replacing the damaged sprinkler took about three days to accomplish. So much for saving time.
I also recently got a call from a police officer asking if I knew that my car was sitting in a neighborhood in Sonoma. Apparently, my oldest daughter was carpooling to classes with friends to save gas, which I guess is a good thing. However, she had not moved her car in over three days and a neighbor called the police to report it had been abandoned. The officer was calling me to let me know me that they were going to tow it away.
A family of Killdeer built a nest and laid eggs in our driveway. The whole family thought it was really cool that we had birds building a home right in front of the house. Then UPS pulled in to deliver a box of squeaky dog toys and crushed the nest. Somehow that became my fault because I didn’t get outside fast enough to stop the truck.
I went to Costco this week, and while I was there, I couldn’t find some of the items I specifically drove for half an hour to buy. In frustration, I broke down and purchased the industrial-sized box of Twinkies. I don’t even like Twinkies that much, but by God, I’m going to eat every one of them.
What I’m saying is that I have plenty of material and even more pent-up useless rage. My life abounds with stupidity, minor tragedies and crap that pisses me off. You may as well buckle up tight, because I think we are on this trip for the long haul.
So, after all that, if you’re still curious enough to keep reading, tune in next week for another episode of, “What the hell is wrong with this guy?”
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