I don’t consider myself a chef by any stretch of the imagination, but I do like to prepare nice meals for my family. That does not mean, of course, that I’m unwilling to accept a little help when it comes to searching for recipes and purchasing the necessary items to prepare them.
I periodically receive packages from a company called Blue Apron. Blue Apron selects all the food, measures the amounts that I will need, and includes a recipe with step-by-step instructions for how to prepare the meal in question. I have made several dinners with their recipes that have been absolutely wonderful. I have also had a few disasters as well. To be fair, I will not blame Blue Apron for these events. It may simply be the recipe itself wasn’t something I was going to like, the ingredients were not to my taste, or (as is most likely) I completely f**ked up the meal as I was cooking it.
Or maybe a combination of the three.
The most disappointing meals I have had from this company came a few months ago. This, however, was most definitely not their fault. There were a few problems that occurred that caused the food to be something less than satisfying.
Let me back up and start from the beginning.
One Friday, we received a large box with blue lettering on the side that said, “Blue Apron.” We were expecting this box to arrive. We had paid money for it, so actually would have been disappointed if it hadn’t shown up.
I was on my way out of the house when I saw the box, so I dragged it inside, placed it on the counter in our kitchen and yelled for EM1 to turn off the K-pop video she was watching and help me. About the third time I shouted her name, EM1 turned around on the couch and told me she couldn’t hear me because the music was too loud.
I told her to turn down the music.
She said, “What? I can’t hear you. The music is still too loud.”
I will spare you the ensuing Abbott and Costello routine that followed.
With the television turned off, I asked EM1 to take the food out of the Blue Apron box and pack it in the refrigerator. I needed to go and did not have time to do it, and I didn’t want the food to just wait in the box until I came back home.
She agreed to help.
I went about my errands and returned about two hours later. The box was no longer on the counter. When I asked EM1, she said she put all the food in the fridge, then threw the box into the recycling bin outside. I thanked her for her help and went about the rest of my day.
The following night, I decided to cook one of the pre-planned meals that came in the Blue Apron box. It was a lovely dish with vegetables in rice that went alongside pan-seared, New York cut steaks. While reading the list on the recipe, I dug through the refrigerator and pulled out the ingredients.
Zucchini, bell peppers, jasmine rice, garlic, shallot, steaks…
Steaks?
Where the hell were the steaks?
I asked EM1 where she put the steaks when she emptied the box. Her immediate response made me very sad.
“What steaks? I didn’t see any steaks?”
I looked at the other recipe from the box. It was a chicken dish that required two filleted chicken breasts. I told EM1 the steaks should have been right next to the chicken.
She replied, “What chicken?”
My heart sank.
“Where did you throw away the box?” I asked.
I went out to the recycling bins and located the box in question. I grabbed it and lifted it out of the plastic receptacle where it lay. It was dishearteningly heavier than it should have been. I opened the box and looked inside. At the bottom was a thin icepack that usually is placed on top of any meat items in a Blue Apron shipment. The typical arrangement is meat on the bottom, icepack, all other ingredients on the top.
The icepack was warm and melted by now. It had been sitting outside in a recycling bin for over 24 hours so that was no surprise. I lifted the pack and found underneath a pouch of chicken breasts and two vacuum-packed New York strip steaks.
None of it was safe to eat any longer. I threw the packaged meat into the garbage and returned the (now) empty box to the recycling.
That night we enjoyed our meal of rice with vegetables (no steak). The following evening, we had a nice salad with a side of carrots (no chicken).
I don’t mind occasional vegetarian meals. I don’t have to eat meat every day to reaffirm my carnivore nature. But when I know that the meal I am eating is inherently incomplete, and that a cow died needlessly so I could eat only rice and vegetables, I feel like the world has let me down.
Well, maybe not the whole world. I can’t blame everyone and everything on the entire planet for this disaster.
I can promise you, however, that EM1 will never be allowed to unpack another box without close and careful supervision.
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