‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the joint
Not a creature was stirring, there just seemed no point.
With mom in her sweatpants, talking on Zoom,
The kids had all fled to hide in their room.
I sat surrounding by bright red and green,
Decorations put out since before Halloween.
When out in the yard I heard such a crash,
I grabbed my shotgun and threw open the sash.
When what on the dew-covered lawn should appear,
But a battered red sleigh tied to five exhausted reindeer.
The sleigh and the deer lay scattered about
Gasping and panting like ground-landed trout.
From out of the mess, a shadow arose
And a tiny green figure struck a bone-weary pose.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “I expected St. Nick.”
The elf gazed at me and said, “He’s been sick.
The guy you expected is home and in bed,
He’s so fat and so old I’m surprised he’s not dead.
Covid, you see, has made it to the North Pole,
Even on reindeer, it’s taken its toll.”
I invited the poor tired elf in the house,
He thanked me for the kindness and said hi to my spouse.
I offered him treats and milk in a glass,
He just shook his head and said he would pass.
“What I really need now is a frosty cold beer.
It’s been a rough night. In fact, fuck this whole year.”
I went to the fridge, grabbed a beer off the shelf,
Then paused before grabbing one for myself.
I figured the elf shouldn’t drink all alone,
Or what kind of a host would I be in my home?
He emptied the bottle in a swallow or two,
So, I got him another. What else could I do?
As he drank, I noticed his nose grew much redder.
He belched and then told me, “I feel so much better.
Now it’s time to leave gifts and get back on my way.”
He glanced around and then swore, “They’re still on the sleigh.”
I told him forget it, the girls would be fine,
Besides, they’d been brats for most of the time.
If gifts were part of their holiday wishes
They should have at least once or twice, washed the dishes.
The elf gave a laugh like I’d tickled his ribs
Said, “You’re a terrible father, you should never have kids.
But I’m running late so I’ll take your warning.
Your girls will get nothing. Good luck in the morning.”
The elf slunk away, unsteady in stride,
Returned to his sled and climbed back inside.
The reindeer stood up, looking tired and lame
As the elf shook the reins and called them by name.
“On Dasher, on Vixen, on Thomas and Hugh.
On Cupid. Nope, not Cupid. Which one are you?”
The sleigh took to the air with a bump and a twist
That left the elf swearing and shaking his fist.
As he flew out of sight, I heard his last shout.
It wasn’t fit for children, so I’ll leave those words out.
THE END
Merry Christmas, and may 2021 be much better for us all.
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