Pursuing that Healthy Lifestyle

I need to start eating healthier. I know, everybody says that. But I really mean it this time.

Yeah, everybody says that, too.

My doctor said most people eat too many processed foods, things packed with preservatives or made with sugar or flour that has been bleached beyond having any nutritional value. He recommended eating more nuts, seeds and raw grains for digestion and health.

I asked if that meant I should be consuming more barley and hops. He shook his finger at me and said, “I see what you’re suggesting there, but no. That is absolutely not what I’m saying.”

It was worth a try.

I know I should also be eating more fruits and vegetables, but it’s difficult to eat those things when I’m already full from pasta and garlic bread. There is only so much room in the human stomach. I have tried to add more french fries and potato chips to my diet to cover the extra vegetables requirement. I think that effort has thus far been a success. And since I recently discovered that tomatoes are fruits, I have started requesting extra sauce on my pizza.

Baby steps. But I think I’m heading in the right direction.

At least my diet is still better than my dad’s ever was. All I saw him eat was red meat and the occasional chicken, then he would wash it all down with a couple pots of coffee. I’m pretty sure the only thing that grew out of the ground that my dad ever put in his mouth was tobacco.

Despite his deplorable eating habits, he lived to be 77 years old. I would consider that a good run if I lasted that long. My kids, however, for some odd reason, seem to want me to stick around a little bit longer (even though most of the time it’s my kids that make me think that an early death wouldn’t be so terrible).

So, what is keeping me from changing my eating habits and consuming more nutritious foods? Mostly, it’s that I don’t want to. I like fast food, and junk food, and processed foods. There is a cardboard box in my refrigerator right now with half a pepperoni pizza in it, and there are a couple bags of chips waiting in the pantry for me to bust open a bottle of salsa and go to town on them.

I know a few of you are thinking, “But Gary, there are healthy alternatives to those things. You don’t have to give up the foods, they just need to be made with better ingredients.” To those people, I say, I’ve tried most of that “alternative” stuff, and frankly, it tastes like crap. If you honestly believe that a mashed cauliflower is a reasonable alternative for potatoes, then you’ve never eaten a proper potato mash with garlic, cream, and three pounds of butter. Try it. Your stomach will thank you for it.

Your heart might slow down a little in your chest, but that’s the price of enjoying really good food.

Recently, EM2 wanted to make me a pizza using almond flour in the crust. After a few weeks of pestering me, I agreed to let her do it. She cares about my health and she wanted to do something nice for me. Because of that I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but the truth is, the pizza was awful. It tasted like I was eating the cardboard box that real pizza gets delivered in.

Her next project is she wants to make me a vegan macaroni and cheese, with wheat pasta and cheese substitute made with raw cashews. I don’t fully understand the witchcraft behind these particular ingredients, and I don’t really want to. I’m pretty sure that using cashews to make cheese is how you summon the devil out of hell and into the real world.

I’m going to start eating better. I promise. I just need to pick a day to start. It can’t be today. Like I said earlier, I have pizza in the fridge and chips in the pantry. I don’t like to waste food, so I need to eat those things before I start the diet. That’s just common sense.

I found a couple pouches of instant stuffing mix and instant mashed potatoes in the pantry, too, so those need to be eaten. That means I can’t start tomorrow, either. Maybe next week?

Although, I just noticed there is also an entire box of brownie mix that should probably be used before it expires. Two boxes of yellow cake mix, as well. I can’t let those go to waste.

April. Definitely April.

I will definitely try again in April.

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