Dear Santa,
Let me start by saying that I have been a very good boy this year. By good, I of course mean that I haven’t done anything that might get me arrested. (Detained and questioned for a few hours, maybe, but not actually arrested.) And by year, I mean January and February, since I don’t consider the rest of this crap-fest we call 2020 to count.
Since March, I have been basically huddled in a hole with a large rock pulled over my head, so the opportunities to do anything that might put me on your naughty list have been severely limited. I expect bonus points for this, despite what that snitch, Elf on a Shelf, may have been telling you. I think we both know from past experience that little guy is a liar and should have been fired as your field representative a long time ago.
Now, on to my list of demands, er, I mean requests:
First, I would like world peace, not because I actually care what happens outside of my own backyard, but because I know that kind of selfless request is the only guaranteed way to get your attention. If I start with what I really want, you will just assume I am one of the thousands of selfish individuals who only think of themselves. (By the way, I think that is a terribly unfair assumption, and you should take a good long look at yourself before you start judging others so harshly. I mean, come on, if you have the power to grant world peace, why haven’t you done it already? Seems pretty callous of you to sit in your ivory tower all year long and let the rest of us suffer, don’t you think?)
My next request would normally be for the opportunity to spend the holidays with my family. I’m not going to waste a wish on that particular ask this year, since I have spent the last ten months locked in a small residential home with the whole Wilbanks brood and I have frankly had my fill of family togetherness. There is only so much bliss and closeness one human being can stand. Instead, I am hoping that you might find some way to get them all out of the house at the same time for a few hours so I can sit on the couch in my underwear and watch a few things on television that I actually want to see. I’m getting a little tired of the kids hiding the remote control after setting the screen to an endless cycle of K-pop videos.
Which brings me to wish number three: Is there anything you can do to make those K-pop videos go away? Not forever. Just a couple days would be nice.
Number four, there is a woodpecker that keeps landing on my house and pecking holes in the side of the eaves. Is there anything you can do about that? You could even make it look like an accident if that helps. Do birds have heart attacks? Nobody would suspect foul play if the damn bird just toppled out of a tree one day. Happens all the time, am I right? Give it some thought. I’ll leave the actual method of removal to you. Whatever the method you choose, though, you should probably burn this letter afterward so we don’t leave a paper trail.
Number five, is there a way to proactively get myself placed on the liver donor list? I seem to have done quite a bit of damage to mine during the past year. My doctor says I can’t get on the list until I completely obliterate the poor thing, but if I wait until then, it seems like it would much too late. I’m hoping you can get me early access. If early access to the liver list is impossible, maybe you could get me a couple nice bottles of whiskey. At least I can finish the job I’ve already started in style. (And, hey, speaking of liver failure, that might be a good idea for taking out that damned woodpecker. Think about it, that’s all I’m asking.)
Six, I don’t need any socks, ties, or coffee mugs. I have plenty still stocked up from previous holidays. For the love of god, please knock it off with that sort of shit.
Seven, as a personal request, please leave the family stockings on the front porch this Christmas. I know you do a lot of traveling this time of year and visit people all over the world. The rest of us are staying home and practicing appropriate social distancing, and since I have no idea what sort of precautions you’re taking (if any), I would prefer you stay out of my house. Nothing personal, I just don’t need you spreading whatever germs you’ve collected all over my living room. On a side note, when you get back to the North Pole, you might want to isolate yourself from Mrs. Claus for a couple weeks as well, just to be on the safe side.
Finally, I would like this year to end. I know it is going away soon anyway, but anything you could do to speed up the process would be greatly appreciated. Maybe you could let the Baby New Year know he can show up a few weeks early this time around. I don’t think anybody would complain.
To sum up, I’ve been a good boy and deserve presents. World peace, family harmony, blah, blah, blah. Stop K-pop, kill the woodpecker, (burn this letter), new liver, ditch the socks, and stay out of my house.
Am I forgetting anything?
Oh, yeah.
Merry Christmas.
.
.
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