I’ve said it before, and I’m sure I will say it again, but I am out of shape. I know I am out of shape because my body keeps sending me little reminders that I’m not allowed to do things I did all the time when I was younger. Things like play sports, run long distances, or touch my toes without sitting down and breaking into a cold sweat. It is a little bit discouraging when you have to get down on the floor and brace your back against a wall just to tie your shoes. It isn’t the greatest start to a new day.
When I was younger, I got hurt all the time, but the injuries all made sense. I earned each and every one of my battle scars. In my teens, I dislocated my knee while playing football. I also tore a muscle in my leg playing baseball. In my twenties, I injured my shoulder in a fight. I was in my thirties when I broke my hand playing softball, and I bruised two ribs in my forties sparring in a karate tournament. Every one of those injuries happened for a good reason. Perfectly understandable forces of nature interacted with my body to cause all of them.
More recently, I have discovered that I sustain injuries for no apparent reason. I might be sitting on the couch and get a sharp pain in my neck, or perhaps I will stand up too quickly and get a massive cramp in my calf. Just a few weeks ago, I woke up in the morning and, as I got out of bed, I realized that at some point during the night I pulled my hamstring muscle.
Apparently, I can’t even sleep anymore without risk of sustaining physical damage. I thought that lying perfectly still for several hours surrounded by blankets, a mattress and a pillow would be about the least risky thing I could do, but somehow, I managed to hurt my leg during that prolonged period of inactivity.
My body has completely failed me. It is breaking down and falling apart all on its own with no need of further help from me.
I have never been what people refer to as a “natural born athlete.” I am not, and never was, a paragon of physical prowess. However, once upon a time, I did have the ability to successfully remain motionless without serious bodily damage. Not anymore. These days, massive muscular and skeletal failures may be just one overly exuberant breath away.
I need to work out more. I need to lose weight and eat better. I know these things. None of that is mind blowing news. The day I woke up and discovered all of my Hawaiian shirts were now form-fitting outerwear was a huge clue that I am no longer the same size I was in high school. But how am I supposed to risk getting on a bicycle or lifting weights when I know that pulling a muscle in the back of my leg only required me to lie down? If I attempt anything more strenuous that total immobility, am I going to just spontaneously explode?
Maybe I should just accept these phantom pains and injuries as a sign. The universe no longer wants me to work out, play sports, or involve myself in any further physical activities. I should be taking up more sedentary activities to keep me busy, things like movie marathons, rocking chair calisthenics, or competitive slow mouth breathing. I bet I could be really good at that last one. If they ever make it an Olympic event, I could probably win a medal. Maybe not gold – I’ve met some fierce competitors in my day – but certainly silver or bronze.
Since exercise appears to be a non-starter for me, I guess I will have to find other ways to improve my overall health. I suppose I could start eating better. It’s just that most of the stuff that’s supposed to be good for you tastes like dirt and sadness.
I am going to have to think about my limited options for a while; come up with a new plan for improving my overall health that doesn’t involve risk of self-harm or eating kale. However, sitting upright in this chair as I write down my thoughts is beginning to take a toll on my fragile physique. I need to rest and recover my strength.
I think I am going to go take a nap. I just hope I can lie down on the couch without causing any bruises or broken bones. No pain, no gain, I suppose. I’ll let you all know how it goes.
If I survive.
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