It is that time of year again. The weather is growing colder, the days are getting shorter, and best of all, Halloween is just around the corner.
Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I know most people prefer Christmas, or Thanksgiving, or even a great big barbeque cookout on the Fourth of July, but as many of you have probably learned by reading this blog, I am not like most people. I love horror movies and dark tales, vampires, zombies, haunted houses and creepy creatures. And, yes, I don’t object too much to having bowls of candy placed strategically throughout the house, either.
When the kids were little, I tried to instill in them my love of Halloween and all things macabre. I would decorate the house with cobwebs and realistic-looking spiders. I hid speakers that played the sounds of something scratching inside the walls of the house. I dressed up like a zombie or a vampire and leapt out of closets when the kids walked by. October was always a lot of fun in our home.
In retrospect, perhaps I should have waited until the girls were a bit older. It’s a little difficult to sleep at night with all the lights on and a shivering five-year-old in the bed next to you because she’s afraid to sleep in her own room.
But, after the screaming and the crying had subsided, we all had a good laugh. I think they really enjoyed it. At least, that’s what I hope they tell their therapists.
When the girls were little, on Halloween night I would dress them up and carry them around the neighborhood, going door to door and begging for candy from the same people I barely waved at during the rest of the year. When their little, plastic, pumpkin bowls were full, we would head home, and I would let them each pick out three pieces of candy to eat before they went to bed. The rest of the candy was put away so that they could eat it later. And by “later,” I mean after mom and I had the opportunity to pick through it to find our favorites.
By the following morning, the only thing left in the plastic pumpkin for the kids were a couple packs of sweet tarts and whatever the hell those nasty, Neapolitan coconut square things were. Most of the time, the kids were too little to notice the theft. When they did, we just told them that rats had gotten into the pantry.
As the kids got older, it became more difficult to get candy away from them after Trick or Treating. Difficult, but not impossible. The process had to evolve, however, from a simple theft to straight up, strong-arm robbery.
You may be asking yourself right now, “Why steal candy from kids when you can just go buy some for yourself?” The answer is simple: I think it’s funny, and I am a horrible, horrible person.
Those days are over, however. EM1 and EM2 are both too old to go out Trick or Treating. Halloween is now a night where they would rather go to parties and hang out with their friends than go door to door, begging for handouts. And, I think that is the way that it should be. As much as I love Halloween and everything that goes with it, I believe there should be an age limit on who can go Trick or Treating.
For example, a few years ago, on Halloween night, a woman in her forties came to my house. She wasn’t even wearing a costume when she did it. I told her that she was too old to be ringing my doorbell, and that she had better get off my porch before I called the police.
She said, “I forgot my keys. If you don’t want to sleep on the couch tonight, stop acting like a moron and let me in.”
Well, I let her in. But, I didn’t give her any candy.
This year, I am in a sort of Halloween limbo. I don’t have kids young enough to want to Trick or Treat, and I don’t have kids old enough to have grandkids that want to Trick or Treat. Although I am not in any hurry to become a grandparent, I am looking forward to someday having a new generation of kids to terrorize and steal from. Especially since, when they start to cry, I can pat them on the head and send them home to keep their parents awake all night.
For now, I will just have to be content with being the old guy that all the neighborhood kids hate because I gave them apples and toothbrushes when they came to my door. And just so you know, I’m not doing it because I believe that it is healthier than handing out candy. I couldn’t care less if the kids eat themselves into a diabetic coma on Halloween night.
As I said before, I think it’s funny, and I am a horrible, horrible person.
Happy Halloween!