Don’t Be That Guy

Don’t be that guy that brings cups and napkins to a potluck.  The hosts have already gone to great lengths to make sure all the guests have plenty of plates, utensils, napkins and cups.  They probably even spent a little extra to make sure that everything was color coordinated or matched a particular theme.  When you show up with your roll of paper towels and red plastic cups, they are just being nice when they put them on the table.  They really want to throw the stuff away.  Next time, if you don’t want to prepare something buy a bag of chips, or show up with nothing and endure the judgmental looks of your peers like a grown up.

Don’t be that guy that forgets how to merge on the roadway.  It’s a simple process: left car, right car, left car, and so forth.  It should look like a zipper closing.  When you push ahead to be the second car into a space, that’s sort of a dick move.  You aren’t saving any time, and everyone around you is secretly hoping you are going to lose control of your car and crash into a tree.

Don’t be that guy that has to be the smartest person in every room.  I know you think your comments sound intelligent and well-reasoned, but more often than not, they sound suspiciously like the same thing we all read in a CNBC article on Facebook that morning.  You aren’t impressing anyone.  In fact, we are all talking about you behind your back.

Don’t be that guy that can never compromise or acknowledge someone else’s point.  We can all pick out the guy that is so afraid of being wrong, he won’t admit that 2 plus 2 equals 4 unless he said it first.  We all have our opinions on the latest events in our world, and your failure to recognize something other than your own beliefs doesn’t make you passionate, it makes you blind.  You don’t have to agree with me, but if you can’t even recognize that there are two sides to an issue you are part of the bigger problem.  I don’t want to play with you anymore.  I’m taking my ball and going home.

By the way, don’t be that guy that takes his ball and goes home.  You ruin the game for everybody else.  Besides, we are just going to get another ball, and you won’t be invited to play next time.

Don’t be that guy that invites all his friends over to help him move and then offers pizza and beer for compensation.  If you are in your twenties and the sum total of your personal possessions is two cardboard boxes full of clothing and a particle-board coffee table, then okay, I might be up for that.  But, if you are in your thirties or older, stop being such a cheap bastard.  Blow the cobwebs off your wallet and pony up for a moving van.  I have no desire to tear a muscle trying to move your refrigerator onto the back of a pickup truck, then spend the rest of the afternoon sipping on a warm, light beer between debilitating back spasms.

Don’t be that guy that has nothing to say during the commercials, but when the program comes back on suddenly remembers that really funny thing that happened at work last week.  I’m tired of spending two hours to watch a half-hour program.  Besides, the pause button on my remote is starting to wear out and I need to save it for when I have to go pee.

Don’t be that guy at the bar sucking up free drinks and then disappearing when it’s your turn to buy a round.  You’re not being clever.  Everybody saw what you did.  This is why we don’t pick up the phone when you call.

Don’t be that guy that uses the bathroom at someone else’s house and doesn’t flush.  Do I really need to elaborate on this one?

Don’t be that guy that posts a political comment on social media and then acts surprised when somebody doesn’t agree with you.  Public posts are just that: public.  You wanted others to see it, so don’t pretend you are shocked when they react negatively to it.  Just because you played George Washington in your local community theater production of “Hamilton,” doesn’t mean you have a better grasp of political nuances than everybody else.  If you are fishing for a good, heated discussion on current events, it’s your time to waste.  Knock yourself out.  But, if you are just waiting for an opportunity to personally attack someone with different beliefs from your own, you are a troll.  Stop pretending you’re not.  There are plenty of bridges currently unoccupied, so go find yourself one.

Finally, and most importantly, don’t be that guy that spends all day dwelling and obsessing over every single negative encounter and perceived slight. Being angry at someone that doesn’t even know you’re mad at them is pointless.  The target of your ire is peacefully living his life while you drive yourself closer to a stroke or heart attack.  You may come up with the perfect insult or comeback at two o’clock in the morning while you stare at your bedroom ceiling during another sleepless night, but it is still twelve hours too late to use it.

Don’t be that guy that has let his own frustration and exasperation at meaningless people and situations build up to the point that he feels he has to write it down and post it somewhere; like in a blog or something.

Don’t be that guy.

Nobody wants to be that guy.