It has been suggested to me that my view of the world can be a little bit negative. It has been said that instead of finding the joy in life, I always seem to focus on the little things that irritate or annoy me. I have been called a pessimist, although I don’t think that word truly applies to me. A pessimist is someone who believes that given any set of circumstances, the worst possible option will always happen. This isn’t my belief. I believe that good things do happen, I just know that something stupid is always coming hard on its heels to screw it up. Life is sort of a shit sandwich, with really good quality bread.
A perfect example is yesterday. I went out to lunch with a few friends that I had not seen in a very long time. I had a wonderful time talking, catching up with their lives, and enjoying a good meal. I drove home in a pleasant mood, and when I walked in the door, my daughter asked how my lunch was. I told her I had a good time.
She smiled, and said, “Great. Hey, by the way, something is wrong with my car. It stopped running.”
Shit sandwich. Really good bread.
My wife has told me that I always see the glass as half empty. This also is not true. The glass, in my opinion, is completely empty. The rim is also cracked and chipped so when you try to take a drink you cut your lips and all you can taste is your own blood.
Okay, perhaps that analogy went a little darker than I intended, but you get the point.
I think my basic lack of faith in humanity began at a very young age. I recall being lost at a supermarket and wandering the aisles, crying. A man stopped and asked me what the problem was. I told him I couldn’t find my mother. He knelt down beside me, put one hand on my shoulder and looked me in the eyes. He said, “And I can’t find the baking soda, so I guess we’re both out of luck today.”
I learned a very valuable lesson that day: nobody cares about your problems when they have problems of their own. I have taken that ideal to heart and I have happily shared my insight with anyone who has ever sat down next to me and attempted to start an uninvited conversation.
On a side note, I do find it interesting that when I was in my twenties I had the exact same outlook on life, but I was described as brooding, deep, and intense. I was considered thoughtful and profound. Since turning fifty, the vocabulary has changed drastically. Now I more commonly hear the words: cantankerous, grumpy, or crotchety. Not quite so flattering. Pretty accurate, I must admit, but I liked the brooding comments better. It isn’t as much fun being the angry old man that everyone points to as a cautionary tale for their children.
Anyway, back to my original purpose for this rant. In answer to those closest to me that continually tell me that I need to cheer up, and that I need to focus on all the good things that life has to offer, I have a simple response:
Not gonna happen.
I tried to be positive for a while. I really did. I tried to do one act of kindness for another person every day. It wasn’t always easy, but I did it. I discovered that it was a lot more work than I expected. On the other hand, the petty acts of mindless retribution just seemed to happen on their own. They take no effort whatsoever.
I’m too old to change, now. Too stuck in my ways, you might say. I don’t really worry too much about it, though, since my closest friends and family are still willing to put up with me. And if they haven’t bailed on me yet, they probably aren’t going to anytime soon.
So, I will continue to gaze up at a cloudless, blue sky, and while others enjoy the view I will think about skin cancer. I will hear the laughter of children at the park, and I will check my watch and wonder how long it will take before one or more of them begin crying. I will gaze out over the endless horizon of the ocean, and I will ponder about how much it would suck to get eaten by a shark. And my friends and family will stand next to me, pointing out the way the sunlight dances on the water, trying to get me to cheer up.
It won’t work, but they’ll keep trying.
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go outside and chase some kids off of my front lawn.