Diet is a Four-Letter Word

I do not have the best eating habits.  The truth is that I never have.  When I was a child, my mother was not exactly known for her cooking skills, so I found myself frequently eating take-out and frozen dinners.  On nights that she actually had the time and inclination to fix a real meal, the offering more often than not was too burnt or ridiculously undercooked for me to force down more than a few bites.  I usually ended up making a peanut butter and jelly sandwich later in the evening or rummaging through the pantry for cookies or crackers to quell the rumblings in my belly.

I can’t blame the whole situation on my mother, however.  I had quite a sweet tooth while growing up (honestly, still do) and, to sate it, I would spend a large part of my allowance at the corner convenience store on candy, gum, cookies, and sugary sodas.  Because I was a pretty active kid and because I had the metabolism of a hummingbird on speed, I stayed thin and never seemed to notice any negative impacts from my sub-par diet.

That was then, this is now.

As I have gotten older, my dedication to the four basic food groups (sugar, butter, caffeine, and anything deep fried) has begun to pay off in some less than desirable dividends.  My weight is up, my energy is down, and the dog has started following me around just to see what tasty items are going to fall off of my shirt.  (Last night it was corn chips, I believe.  Might have been a muffin.)

I need to reverse this trend.  I need to start eating better.  Although I admit “better” is a pretty broad target.  Not putting half a stick of butter on my bread is “better.”  Eating two pieces of cheesecake for dessert instead of three is “better.”  Not stopping at McDonalds for a snack to build up enough energy to drive all the way across town to Jack in the Box is “better.”

And it is not just the kind of food I have been eating.  I need to cut back on the amount of food I eat as well.  My friends and family keep telling me that I should work on my portion control.  This is a new concept to me.  Previously, I thought portion control just meant that I had full access to the kitchen and could take as much as I wanted.

Unfortunately, I again have to put part of the blame for this problem on my parents.  My father always told me I had to eat everything on my plate.  He said it was wrong to waste food, and then he would mutter something about starving children in Africa.  Like, I had any idea where the hell Africa was.  I still probably couldn’t find the place on a map, but let’s keep to the original point.  My utter failure at geography is irrelevant to this rant and will have to be more deeply explored on some other day.

Because of my dad’s exhortations on behalf of starving kids neither of us had ever met, I have spent most of my life eating whatever was placed in front of me.  At a restaurant, I typically devour everything served on the plate except that inedible green thing set on the side for garnish.  What’s it called?  Oh, yeah … vegetables.

The other day, I went to a Chinese restaurant with my buddy, Bob, and ordered the beef and broccoli lunch for two.  It was delicious.  Bob ordered sesame chicken for himself.  Even with the added difficulty level of using chopsticks instead of a fork, I managed to finish the entire platter of beef and broccoli, chicken chow mein, and pork fried rice.  I knew it was too much food.  Everyone in the restaurant knew it was too much food, but still I powered on.  Half way through the meal, the waiter stopped by just to tell me I shouldn’t eat so much.  I told him I was fully aware I was overdoing it, and then ordered another egg roll.

When the check came, it came with a fortune cookie.  I broke it open and the note inside said, “For the love of God, please put the cookie down.”

What I’m getting at, I guess, is that I have a problem.  I know I have a problem and I am working on it, but I also know it is going to take time to correct a lifetime of poor eating habits.  I spent fifty years getting to this point, it may take a few more to turn it around.

For now, I need to wrap this up and go fix dinner for the family.  Tonight’s menu is baked salmon with stir fried broccoli and asparagus.  That, of course, is not what I will be eating.  I will go straight to dessert which will be two pieces of cheesecake.

Two, not three.

See?  Better.