This week, my daughter’s school asked me if I would be willing to chaperone the annual band trip to Disneyland. Because I chaperoned during last year’s trip, they thought I would be a perfect candidate to do it again this year. Honestly, I think I would rather work in the County Jail watching inmates than go on another high school field trip.
You may feel that this response is an exaggeration. I promise you, it isn’t. You see, during my lifetime, I have actually had the opportunity to serve in both capacities, and therefore, I believe I am uniquely qualified to make this comparison.
Let’s do the math, shall we?
First, let’s look at the bus trip. In jail, the guards ride in the cab of the bus while the inmates sit in the back. There is a metal fence between the guards and the inmates so that there is no interaction between the two. On a school field trip, there is no protective barrier. Chaperones are placed right in the middle of the zoo, surrounded by all the animals. The chaperones must remain ever vigilant as there is no way of telling exactly which monkey will be the next to fling feces.
When it is time to eat, in jail it is the guard’s responsibility to advise the inmates where to be and when to be there so that they may get their next meal. The food shows up, the inmates show up, a meal is accomplished. This generally takes between fifteen and thirty minutes, depending on the number of mouths to feed. With teenagers, the process takes significantly longer. For example, you tell them where to go to eat and there is an instant argument. No matter where the meal is to occur, there will be a sizable percentage of the population that would rather go somewhere else. Even if you manage to get everyone right up to the front door of the restaurant, there will inevitably be someone that decides the place across the street is better. Even if the place across the street is actually across six lanes of busy freeway traffic.
Which brings up the next comparison. What happens if you lose somebody?
When a guard loses an inmate, he notifies the person in charge who, in turn, notifies local law enforcement to start searching for the missing person. The guard then returns to watching whatever remains of his flock. During a field trip, well … actually … the exact same thing happens. Except in a jail, it is unlikely that the guard will be fielding a phone call from the missing inmate’s angry mother.
Sleeping arrangements. In jail, every inmate has a room. That room has a door. And all of those doors have locks on the outside. When an inmate goes to bed for the night, the door is locked and they stay put until the doors are opened the next morning. On a field trip, the kids all get hotel rooms. Each room has a door. And all of those doors have locks … on the inside. I don’t think I need to go into any further detail on this point.
Finally, let’s look at jail vs. amusement park. When someone builds a jail, the entire building is designed to make sure the people on the inside stay on the inside. An amusement park does not have a similar goal. In fact, once you buy your ticket to go inside, they would actually prefer that you leave so that they can sell somebody else a ticket to take your place. The only thing keeping teenagers inside the park is their promise to the chaperone that they won’t leave. Having been the parent of two teenagers, I know exactly what a teenager’s promise is worth.
I promise I will do my homework. I promise I will clean my room. I promise I will feed the dog. And, what is the actual end result? I have an uneducated kid with a messy room and a malnourished dog.
Despite all this, my wife tried to convince me to chaperone the trip anyway. She said I should do it to spend time with my daughter. She said in this respect, the field trip is better because if I were working in a jail I could not hang out with family. I reminded her of the family she married into. If I were still working in a jail, the odds are actually a little too high that I might be running into various relatives.
So, will I be going back to work at the County Jail? Hell, no! I hated that job. The happiest day of my life was getting reassigned to work in patrol.
Will I be chaperoning my daughter’s field trip?
What do you think?
Yeah. Probably.