Christmas vacation is almost on us. My daughters are both currently finishing up their college finals and (hopefully) getting passing grades. As soon as the tests are done, however, EM1 and EM2 will be packing up their dorm rooms and returning home for the four to six weeks that school is out.
In addition, my wife will be closing up the elementary school where she works as a principal and staying home for a couple of weeks as well. While I enjoy having everyone home with me for the holidays, this sudden family unity does create a few problems.
Whereas previously I had the house to myself during the day,I now have three other people that are constantly getting underfoot and distracting me from my typical daytime activities of consuming cheese puffs and watching horror movies. This may not sound like much but imagine if the rest of your family decided to spend a couple weeks with you at your job, just hanging out around your desk and asking questions when you’re trying to get your work done.
An empty house is my work space, and cheese puffs are my job. The little orange bastards aren’t going to eat themselves, you know.
I’m kidding, of course. I only said that because my wife is convinced that’s all I do during the day, and I thought it would piss her off a little if I actually admitted it. The reality is, cheese puffs are only part of my job. There is so much more. So, so much.
I just can’t think of anything right now.
But let’s not make this about me. I wanted to address a much more important problem when everyone is home at the same time. An issue that I’m sure every household has struggled with at some time or another:
Who gets to choose what to watch on TV?
When I was a kid growing up, it was a simple arrangement. First, there weren’t that many channels to choose from, and second, I didn’t have any say whatsoever in the matter. My parents sat on the couch and decided what they wanted to watch. I sat on the floor and watched whatever was on and felt grateful to be included. The rule was if I could sit quietly, I could be in the room, but if I started talking or became a distraction, I would find myself outside or sitting in my room, depending on the time of day.
Today is a bit different. There are almost too many channels to choose from, and my girls are way too vocal about their preferences of what to watch. They make my life miserable and I’m certain they do it on purpose. There are four television sets in this house. The kids could easily go somewhere else, but everyone insists on using the one in the family room. They say it’s because it is the biggest and has the best speakers. I think it’s because that’s where I am. Where’s the fun in watching TV if you can’t raise dad’s blood pressure while your doing it?
When the girls are home, they hide the controls to the TV from me, but even that isn’t enough for them. They also reprogram my remote-control devices so, even if I get lucky enough to find where they hid the damn things, I can’t figure out how to change the channel. Sometimes, I just pull the batteries out of the remotes and let them sit for a while so they reset to their basic programming.
And to answer your question, no, it doesn’t work. I still do it, though, because it makes me feel better to try.
So, instead of a baking show on the Food Network or a good movie, I end up watching Korean soap operas or K-pop videos. I can’t remember the last time the girls were home and I was able to watch anything that didn’t require me to read subtitles. I’m convinced that if I bought a plane ticket to South Korea for EM2, I would never see her again. I’m almost at the point where I’m willing to try it.
Almost.
And I can’t look to my wife for help. She gave up years ago trying to exert any influence over our viewing selections. She just sits on the couch with her computer tablet and plays games,pretending occasionally to know what’s on the TV.
The girls will ask her, “What did you think of that,Mom?” She nods, glances up at the screen and says, “I like it.” Then goes back to her computer.
EM1 and EM2 glare at me and say, “See, Dad? Mom likes it, so stop complaining.”
It is usually at this point that I get up and fix myself the first of the several alcoholic drinks it will take to get me through the evening. Gin and tonics are my go-to cocktail. Simple to make, and I can easily adjust the gin to tonic ratio depending on how badly I want to smack the kids around.
For now, I guess I should just buckle up and prepare myself for six weeks of television in a language I don’t understand, and the girls laughing at jokes I don’t get. It won’t last forever. They have to go back to school eventually and things will go back to normal.
In the meantime, at least I still have my cheese puffs.