December is here. Another year has passed before our eyes. The last of the turkey has been torn apart and distributed among casseroles and sandwiches, and now that the refrigerator is once again empty it’s time to start buying Christmas candy and baking cookies. The rampant end-of-the-year weight gain marches on for another month.
That’s the bad news.
The good news, of course, is the colorful decorations, festive music, and employer-mandated good cheer of the store clerks trying to sell you the latest trendy seasonal presents. I look forward to all the insincere smiles, forced laughs, and half-hearted greetings. Everyone is nice to everyone else for no other reason than they don’t want to be that guy that has no Christmas spirit. I’m not exactly sure what “Christmas spirit” is, but I also don’t want to be only person that doesn’t have it, so I will be smiling along with the rest of you.
I know that sounds cynical, but all kidding aside, I honestly do enjoy this time of year. Maybe not the over-the-top friendliness and required exuberance (that can get exhausting), but I do love the decorations.
I enjoy the drives through the neighborhoods to check out the front-yard light displays and Animatronic reindeer. I like the open curtains displaying brightly decorated trees in the window. I even get a kick out of the vehicles with plastic antlers and red, ball noses attached to the grill, especially when they blow off of the car in front of me on the freeway. That’s always good for a laugh.
I also look forward to the seasonal embellishments the city puts up along the streets. The light poles get a makeover of great big, gold and silver ribbons, and various buildings and landmarks wind up wearing over-sized Santa hats. Even the police and fire vehicles get season-appropriate decals or ornamental wreaths attached to them. Although, I sometimes wonder at the wisdom of placing a flammable item like a Christmas wreath on a fire truck. That could potentially create some unintended, highly embarrassing, consequences.
Not to be outdone by the city or my neighbors, at the beginning of every December, my wife and I go out of our way to put the seasonal touches on our own home. We always start with the main attraction: the tree. The tree is plastic, of course, because we are environmentally conscious and didn’t want to impact the Brazilian rain forests. Or, it was cheaper. Either one of those reasons; take your pick.
Each year, I drag down the artificial tree from the rafters of the garage and help my wife assemble it in our living room. After a few hours have passed to make certain all multi-legged critters have vacated the tree and been eradicated by our diligent cats, I bring in the large plastic bins of decorations.
The actual decoration of the tree and house is my wife’s job because, according to her, I have a habit of placing decorations “in the wrong place.” I’m not sure why a tiny wooden sled is more appropriately located two inches higher up and to the left from where I hung it, but that does seem to be the case. So, in the interests of minimizing arguments, I stand back and nod my head approvingly as she hangs the ornaments.
Speaking of tree ornaments, I have to say that I do miss tinsel. I grew up with those long silver strands of material draped over our trees, glittering and flowing from top to bottom. It was gorgeous. And I miss grabbing up huge handfuls of the stuff and throwing it at the tree, then watching my mom glare at me as she pulled the clump apart and re-laid the strands one by one along the branches.
I know tinsel is bad for animals. I have heard the horror stories of dogs and cats that ate the stuff and had to be rushed to the vet because it was tearing up their little tummies. But, why is it I can’t hang tinsel around my animals, but I can still put up highly toxic sprigs of mistletoe around my kids? I guess the SPCA has a better publicity manager than Child Protective Services.
So, no tinsel. The pets are safe. The kids? Well, we’ll just have to wait and see. They’ll have to roll the dice and take their chances like everyone else.
As much as I enjoy the ornaments and festive décor around the inside of the house, I will not be putting much effort into the outside façade. There will be some additional colored lighting added to a few trees and bushes outside, but that will be about it. The eaves will not be getting the traditional garnish of colored lightbulbs you see on most homes in a neighborhood.
Why? Simple. We live in a two-story house and I am afraid of heights. If I go up much more than three rungs on a ladder, I’m pretty much done for the day. I get dizzy and am as likely to fall off as I am to complete any task that I originally climbed up on that torture device to accomplish. I don’t think my girls want to risk losing their dad just for some blinking lights on the roof.
I don’t know that for certain, however. And I’m not going to ask because I might not like their answers. They didn’t get everything they asked for last Christmas and the little monsters can hold quite a grudge when they want to.
Damn kids.
I think this year I’m going to lay out extra mistletoe.