I’m going to just come right out and say it: I hate back to school shopping.
While I, like most parents around the globe, love the fact that the children are going back to school and vacating the house, I abhor jumping through all the hoops it takes getting them ready. And, it isn’t just the money you have to spend that bothers me. Well, okay, it actually is about the money you have to spend. But, there are other things that bother me about the process besides spending money.
Such as, all the money I no longer have when it’s over.
This year we got a little bit of a late start on the back-to-school sales at the various stores. My daughter, EM2, and I went to one of the mega marts this week only to find four entire aisles of space dedicated to school supplies that had been totally picked clean. It was a ghost town, complete with tumbleweeds and tiny dust devils spinning past our feet. There were a few kids and parents wandering around with us, but it looked like a cluster of jackals sniffing around a lion’s kill, hoping to find something still edible. While exploring the area, I accidentally stumbled over three feral ten-year olds fighting over the skeleton of a day planner.
The store had almost none of what we were looking for, and yet we still managed to spend about two hundred dollars before moving on to the next location on our list of errands.
Normal years are bad enough, but this year is an extra special trip down the rabbit hole. EM2 is starting her first year of college. So, along with the usual assortment of pens, booklets, binders, papers, and random items covered in pink glitter, my daughter needed to purchase a few bigger ticket items to outfit her dorm room. This year, along with the typical mandated classroom clutter, mom and dad got to buy a mini fridge, a one-cup coffee maker, bed sheets, pillows, towels, blankets, and most of a new wardrobe.
We also had to purchase a new portable printer, compatible with EM2’s laptop computer. I won’t say the name of the store where we bought the printer, but I will say that it would be extremely ironic if this place ever ran out of staples.
See what I did there?
Anyway, I actually found a printer with a semi-reliable brand name for only 70 bucks. I thought that was an amazing deal until the salesperson on the floor told me that this particular printer does not come with ink cartridges. What the hell kind of printer doesn’t come with ink cartridges? Printers have been coming with ink already installed since the stone age when printers were called ‘typewriters’ and ink was just a strip of ribbon. Why the new marketing ploy all of a sudden?
Fortunately for all parties involved, the store had the correct cartridges for that printer. Big surprise. And it was priced at a very reasonable … drum roll, please … fifty dollars. Of course, that was just the color cartridges. I would also need to buy the black ink printer cartridge for $25 more. And what’s a printer without paper?
I thought the guy was done turning the knife at that point, but that was when he suggested that I might want to look into the extended warranty. For an additional twenty dollars, I could insure the printer for three years against accidental damage or faulty manufacturing. I asked him if this amazing warranty covered the ink cartridges as well.
It did not.
I told him I thought $20 was a ridiculous amount of money to pay to insure a 70-dollar printer. At least, I thought I told him that. I may have just been thinking it. I don’t remember exactly what happened next, but I do remember loading my brand new, fully-insured printer into the car and driving home.
Now, EM2 has almost everything she needs to start her first semester of college. There are still a few items we will need to purchase or scrounge from around the house before she leaves, but we are pretty close to where we need to be. At the end of the week, we will pack everything up into the truck and move her into her dorm room. My plan is to dump all her stuff in her room, give her a big hug and tell her I love her, then abandon her as fast as I possibly can, leaving her without a car or any other way to get home. At that point, she is her roommate’s problem and I will have my house back to myself.
Well … I will almost have the house to myself. I suppose I still have to share with my wife. And the dog.
With both girls moved away (EM2’s older sister moved back into her college apartment last week) my life should get much simpler. All I need to worry about now is keeping up on the yardwork, doing some chores around the house, and writing a weekly blog.
Oh, and figuring out how to make two college tuition payments. And pay for textbooks. And pay rent on a dorm room and an apartment. And buy food for two kids that don’t live with me anymore. And not go bankrupt.
And, not “accidentally” wander into traffic.
Crap.