Although, in general, I try to avoid politics and discussions that tend to incite heated arguments, there is currently an on-going debate that is tearing our country apart. This rift is so widespread that it has even invaded the safety and serenity of my own home. Anyone who has recently sat down in a bathroom long enough to flip through the newspaper has been exposed to this turmoil, and I have finally reached a point in my life that I can remain silent on the issue no longer.
Obviously, I am talking about the question of how to load a toilet paper roll onto the bathroom dispenser.
There are many who have expressed their opinions on the proper way to mount toilet paper on the spool – the debate has raged since the late 1800’s – but it is now my turn to take a stand (or sit?) on this contentious issue.
There are two general schools of thought on proper roll etiquette. They are diametrically opposed ideals that should never have been allowed to exist in the same universe, yet here we are stuck with a conundrum that offers zero hope of compromise. Now, to be fair to all involved, I will try to address both sides of this argument fairly and without personal bias; that way you are free to weigh all points of consideration and come to your own conclusions.
Regarding proper paper feed, one group of people believe that the toilet paper should be loaded so that the sheets unroll over the top. Then there is a second group of people who are just stupid and wrong.
Top feeders think that the paper is most effectively dispensed when a simple top to bottom movement of the hand will cause the roll to spin and to easily unravel a useful length of tissue.
Bottom feeders think that the world is flat and that it is perfectly acceptable to eat their own shoelaces.
Before I go any further, I would like to address the fact that in the 1980’s I worked as a janitor for two years at a university event center. I say this because I wish to establish my credentials as an expert in this particular field. I am not just some crackpot amateur with an unopened pack of two-ply who thinks he can handle the responsibility of mounting it with no formal training.
During my time in the field, I learned that there are three main reasons for top loading the paper:
One, in bathrooms where there are working showers, steam from the hot showers accumulates on the walls in the form of condensation. Toilet paper feeding from the bottom of the roll is too close to the wall and can end up sticking to the condensation, making the paper wet and useless.
Two, paper that feeds forward into an open space is less likely to bundle up and get stuck in an enclosed dispenser than paper that feeds toward the wall.
And three, as my boss once told me, “Because I already told you that’s how I want it. Ask me again and you’re fired.”
Compelling arguments indeed.
There is one person I know who, despite having the invaluable benefit of my opinion, insists on continuing to load the toilet paper so that it unravels from the bottom. I don’t wish to cause her any undue embarrassment, so I will not use her real name in this discussion. Let’s just refer to her as, “my wife.”
I have explained to my wife on numerous occasions why she should not load the toilet paper inside out, and yet every time she puts paper in the spool she places it so that it unravels next to the wall. Every time. Without fail. So, I know the act is not random. It is a deliberate decision to go against God and nature, and it is a conscious attempt to push this world just a little further into chaos.
I don’t know why she insists on this behavior. It’s as if someone gifted her a priceless piece of art – like the Mona Lisa, or maybe that sunflower thingee painting by the guy with one ear – and she decided to hang it upside down like a savage. It makes no sense.
I finally confronted her, and I asked her why she continues to sully our home with this disgraceful act of vandalism.
She told me to stop pestering her. In response, I promised her that if she could give me one good reason why she hangs the toilet paper backwards – just one solid reason that I could not immediately refute – then I would never mention the topic again.
She looked me in the eye and said, “Because I know it pisses you off.”
Obviously, I am no longer permitted to speak of this matter at home.
A promise is a promise, and I am a man of my word. I told her I would never mention the topic again, and I intend to stand by that commitment.
I did not, however, say I wouldn’t write about it.