It has been about a year and a half since I retired from law enforcement. While I was working, I woke up each morning knowing that I had somewhere I needed to be and things that had to be done. Practically every moment of my day was occupied with some sort of activity, whether that activity was just filing paperwork or a hundred mile-per-hour car chase. There seemed to always be something that demanded my. I had a sense of purpose.
Even when I had absolutely nothing on my agenda, there was always someone around to talk to, or go grab a bite to eat with. (Yes, I ended that sentence with a preposition. Settle down. This is a blog, not a thesis.) But now that I have left the badge and the gun behind, I frequently find myself at home with nothing to do, and nobody around.
Finally!
While I was gainfully employed, I hated every moment of it. Now that I can lock the doors and hide from everybody else, the world is a better place. For those that know me, you understand what I’m saying. For those that don’t, let me break it down:
Basically, I am a terrible person. I am cynical, irritable, and I generally despise the presence of other people. My company is tolerable in small doses, but if you are going to spend any decent amount of time with me, we are both better off just staying in our assigned neutral corners. Don’t believe me? Come visit for a while. I will show you where my wife and children have written “Please help me” backwards on several of our windows.
I must admit though, with nowhere to go each day my schedule has fallen into something of a rut. I wake up, eat, poop, then fall back asleep. Repeat ad nauseum. On occasion, I will go wander around the yard and sniff the bushes. I have basically become another family house-pet.
The only real difference between me and the dog is that I am not flexible enough to lick my own genitalia. I do have opposable thumbs, which allow me to operate a can opener without assistance, however I am not certain that I got the better deal in that trade off.
The only other advantage I have is that I can leave the yard and go for a walk whenever I feel like it. In addition, although my wife may disagree with this assumption, I do not need to wear a leash when I go out. I’m not going to get lost or run away. I may wander for a while, even chase after the occasional random squirrel, but I will eventually find my way back home.
Also, since we moved out of the city and into farm country several years ago, I have noticed the scenery is much more entertaining when I walk. Instead of passing cookie-cutter houses stacked one on top of the other, I see trees, fields, horses, goats … and, oh yeah, let’s not forget lots and lots of dead things.
Yes, dead things. It is absolutely amazing how many feathered, furred, and scaled animals wind up dead on the roadways out here. I have discovered skunks, hawks, snakes, rabbits, turtles, frogs, and God knows what else during my walks. And we don’t have animal control vans driving out to scoop up the carcasses either. The dead critters just sort of hang out for a while until the vultures find them.
The other day, I found a cat skeleton on the roadway that had been picked clean. Everything had been eaten except the animal’s back feet, which had been left completely untouched. For some unexplainable reason, the buzzards had left Puss with his boots. I thought about taking a picture of it to show my family, but they are already concerned enough about my sanity. I don’t want to toss any gas onto that fire.
Well, I think I have rambled enough for one day. Looking back on what I have written so far, I can see that my train of thought has sort of jumped the rails this week. If you are a bit confused by it, don’t worry, you are probably not alone.
So, let me just sum up by highlighting the main points.
- I don’t miss my job.
- I wish I was more flexible.
- There are a surprising number of dead things near my house.
See you next week.