Just a quick reminder to you, the passenger in my car. When you sit down, please adjust your seat, put on your seatbelt, and make yourself comfortable. On the right, you will find a small toggle on your arm rest which will allow you to open or close your window. In front of you is a vent that you may angle in any direction you choose. You also have the option to close it completely. Near your head is a visor that you can lower if the sun is in your eyes. These items are here for your comfort and/or amusement. If you notice anything else on the dashboard of the vehicle that moves, rotates, or depresses:
Stay the hell away from it!
The radio has five buttons, each preset to a station I enjoy listening to. Whatever is currently playing on the radio is on because I have selected it. My music selection is designed to keep me calm and attentive so that we might arrive at our destination safely and with a minimum of emotional tension in the car. Do not start playing with the tuner to see what else is on. And if the radio is off, it is off because I have selected silence as one of my listening options. This is not an invitation for you to find yourself a station that plays K-POP twenty-four hours a day. And god help you if you actually go so far as to reprogram one of my radio buttons so that you have something to listen to “the next time” you ride in this car. I can just about guarantee that there will be no next time.
The air conditioning settings are also my attempt to keep myself comfortable and relaxed to maximize our chances of arriving at point B in one piece. If I am too cold I am tense and irritable. If I am too warm, I may fall asleep which is not an optimum outcome for anyone in the vehicle. If you are too cold or too warm, well … that’s too damn bad. I don’t need you blasting the air conditioner at maximum simply because in the middle of August you decided that the striped wool sweater you have in your closet would look “really cute” on you today. I suggest you suck it up, check the weather report in the morning, and dress like a human being.
Finally, let’s talk about the rear-view mirror. For a driver, the positioning of the rear-view mirror is an intricate dance of seat positioning and delicate fine tuning of the mirror. It takes days, sometime weeks, to find the optimal setting, and that perfect location can be ruined by just a moment of thoughtless vanity. If you decide the mirror on the back of your sun visor is suddenly too small for whatever needless manipulation of your hair you’ve taken on at that moment, and instead swivel my rear-view over to your side, you are a heartless animal. You may think you put it back in the same place, but let me assure you: you haven’t. You have destroyed a masterpiece. You have taken a knife to the Mona Lisa. You have taken a hammer to the face of the Pieta. And you deserve to suffer in damnation for eternity … or at least to get out and walk home.
These are the rules my dear prospective passenger. They are simple and easy to follow. Stick to them, and enjoy a peaceful ride with a happy driver. If you don’t like them, you can always take the bus.